The following is a confidential report on several
candidates being considered for a pastorate.
Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one
reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in
the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one
convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in
dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even
stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts
rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder
charge.
David: The most promising leader of all until we discovered
the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.
Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold
all those wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at
his former church.
Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never
handle his wife's occupation.
Deborah: Strong leader and seems to be anointed, but she is
female.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always
lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury
his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church.
Has trouble with his language.
Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced
to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us
the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung
up.
Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary
training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against
wealthy people—might fit in better in a poor congregation.
Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place, but
where does this guy come from? No information on his resume
about former work records. Every line about parents was left
blank and he refused to supply a birth date.
John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress
like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a
weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has been known
to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive,
but a loose cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher.
However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers,
harsh and has been known to preach all night.
James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed good
at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding
other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an
entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage
workers who didn't follow along with them.
Timothy: Too young!
Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY too old!
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to
5000 he managed to offend them all, and then this church
dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place
very long. And, of course, he's single.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder.
Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money.
We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities
here.
